That numb feeling... (WARNING: I wrote a book)

You ever get that feeling? When you have put every breath, every ounce of energy, every drop of blood and sweat into something and then in one second it feels like that one thing is suddenly out of grasp? We had that feeling Saturday. We were deep cleaning the house, not because it needed it (although, really it did), but because our home visit was scheduled for Sunday. We have been waiting for that day for months now and the anticipation was finally coming to be. At 11:32 AM my phone started ringing, at first I was miffed because it interrupted my favorite song and then I saw the number. It was our social worker in Cincinnati.

I've been on a double handful of mission projects. In one in particular we experienced a pretty terrifying (at the time anyway, I know God held us safely now) experience and in my home study questionnaire (the 80 thousand page form) I used it as an example of how I have grown over the years as I am always finding something to learn from that experience. Well, apparently that is a trauma. Our social worker needed me to fill out a personal statement about it, at least she thought that was all Portland wanted but she couldn't be sure. The word "counseling" was thrown around and I panicked. Then there was a unfamiliar feeling, the feeling of nothing. Nothing is something I NEVER want to feel again.

Who knows why i was so devastated that I suddenly felt nothing. I was certain that was it, we can't afford counseling AND an adoption. What about our due date for our paperwork? The home study needed to be done this week or we would miss our deadline! So many thoughts and fears that my body just shut off. As I lay there in the bed I had just cleaned and put new sheets on all I could think of is this must be what our child will feel like sometimes. Completely empty, out of control, scared, and angry at nothing.

In reality the small task of writing a personal statement about this "trauma" (I prefer the term learning experience) is nothing. It's a quick paragraph or two. They should have caught this in intake, yes, however at least they caught their mistake and let me know! At least our agency is doing everything by the book. That much is comforting.

This morning I realized what was comforting me. God has our child in his hands. OUR child, His timing is perfect and perhaps this hiccup is so that we will be on the waiting list to line up with when our boy is deemed ready for adoption. Also, God likes to teach me patience...

Sorry for the GIANT book ^ but I needed to get this all down before it went away! Thank you all for supporting us! We are so excited to be in this journey and really thankful we get to do it with you all!